So much happened on little mans 6th birthday that I neglected to make a post.


I have re-embraced my geeks side and am now a part of a huge Star Wars fan group called the 501st Legion. I became official on Drayke's birthday, April 28th. Also, that evening, my mother went to the hospital with what we thought was a bag stomach bug but turned out to be she threw a huge gall stone into her small intestine. Surgery at 78 sucks So it has been a sad, awesome, scary week.




Over the last year I have had my fiancé leave me, skin cancer surgery on my scalp, a transient ischemic attack (TIA=mini stroke) and my former husband died. Needless to say it has been a fairly rough year but I am not complaining. Quite the opposite actually.


I have some awesome friends here in Nashville and am finally feeling like a part of life again. I still have my moments but a fewer and farther between. Life is finally on the upswing.

Five years...

It is hard to believe that it has been five years since my little man was born. It's been a year since I last posted here. Life has been empty since he died. I just cant quite get back in to the regular swing of things. Work is going very good but everything else, not so much. I have almost been in denial that it is April already. I awoke at 4:30 this morning crying where all I could think was I missed his birthday two days ago. Now, I cant stop crying.

I have a minimal relationship with Drayke's father as he now lives in Indiana. I was engaged to a man for a year, he moved here in August & left without a word in January. I recently had surgery on my scalp to remove a spot of skin cancer. My diabetes is out of control. I have lost my creative side.

It feels like I am going thru the motions of living but I have no life. I have no true happiness, no true serenity in my heart. A huge part of me died on January 26th 2009. Try as I might, I will never be back to the person I was or that I was meant to be.

Happy birthday

4 years ago you came into my life in a big way little man. I am forever changed. Being told that the C section was happening that day. Telling everyone I am not gong into surgery without your daddy there. The amazing little cry you let out when the doctors took you to the examining table. "Is that him" I asked, amazed that I could hear you and how strong you sounded for someone so little. Five sticks of butter. That's how much you weighed. 1. lb 4.7 ounces. My tiny little fighter with the heart of a dragon. Love you forever sweetheart. You will always be the greatest love of my life.

3 Years Ago Today

I will always love you, my sweet little fighting dragon.

Angry

One of my former fellow NICU moms p[osted an article about how a child is being refused a transplant due to having brain damage. This brought back the memories of being at Centennial when were told how Drayke couldnt get his transplant because he needed to grow a bit more. When we tranferred to Vanderbilt the head of their NICU contacted St Louis Childrens to get the real scoop as to why Drayke was not accepted yet. They told him that Drayke was not ever a candidate due to the potential of him having brain damage due to being intubated his entire life. Potential brain damage. That is messed up.

If a person has a chance to live, even with brain damage (now if they are in a vegatative state that is a whole different thing) and can have a fairly normal life, then they should be allowed to have that chance. St Louis had no proof that Drayke had severe brain damage. He never showed any neurological problems. They assumed that if you are intubated for 5 months then you are going to have issues. Well, they are the ones who stated the minimum birth age was 28 weeks, so extreme prematurity is not the problem. They should not assume there is a problem when there is no documented proof there was any.

I am just angry today about this. I miss my son.

Baby's First Day on TV

I was channel surfing this morning and stopped on a preganancy show like I always do. Guess I am a masochist at heart. Anyway, eating my breakfast & watching on & off when I hear a doctor talking on the TV. I look up and get a huge grin on my face because it's Dr Lance Prince from Vanderbilt. I love this man. He is the one who gave us those extra four months with Drayke. He never gave up on my son and he cried the day Drayke passed. I have never seen a doctor so passionate. He was the one who set up the protocal that was followed by Drayke's doctors. All of Drayke's doctors at Vandy were great but it is Dr Prince who I will always hold fondest in my heart.

Happy 3rd birthday Baby Bug

Today has been a fairly melencholy day. Wore my silver necklace that a reader of this blog made for Dad & myself. Worked all day, came home & figured the perfect birthday dinner for a 3 year old: hot dog, macaroni & cheese and for dessert, chocolate pudding.

Watching Greys Anatomy was not the easiest episode to watch tonight given that a bit of it takes place in the NICU. While watching something very surprising happend. A firefly/lightning bug was flying around my apartment, backside blinking away. These never show up around middle TN until late May/June. I smiled, thinking this is Drayke's way of saying "hi, I'm here mama". I think I will sleep well tonight.

Fixed the widget

I just went back to the MoD site and got the widget corrected. Yay!!!

Now come on! Donate to this fantastic cause. It is one organization that truly makes a difference.

2011 March For Babies

It is that time of year. Time to pull out the walking shoes & get moving for a great cause. The March of Dimes helped fund the research that went into what kept Drayke alive as long as he did. Surfactant, nictric oxide and many other things. This is important not just to me, or NICU moms, but to anyone who has or will have a child. Their research is helping to bring healthier babies into this world. Help them keep up with the great work. Donate or walk yourself. Either is appreciated.

The widget is not showing the correct amount. My goal this year is $500.

2 years ago

It's been 2 years since Drayke passed from this life. Things are different. I am a changed person. I now have a job that I completely enjoy. I moved up to Nashville a few weeks ago & am loving being back in the city where I spent so much time in 2008.

I have yet to get back into a regular rhythm of living. Still feel rather disjointed & lost without my lil man in my life. I am still seriously thinking about adopting a child. Maybe after a few months here in the apartment and at the job I will begin persuing things in that direction. Work has adoption financial assistance & they are really good about their employees & kids.

Moving here to Nashville is the biggest step I have taken towards creating a new life for myself. It will take time but I am working towards a happier life. A life in which I can be happy & fulfilled. A life where I can cherish the sweet memory of my son rather than wallow in the misery of the deep sadness that has engulled my life for the last 2 years. Drayke loved seeing me happy & smiling at him. He would get all wiggly, waving his arms & legs. I am getting my happy back baby boy. You would be proud of your mama.

Keep thinking about my lil man

Every day, and I mean EVERY day, I think of my son. I wonder at what he would look like, being a little over two years old. How he would be toddling around the house, getting into all kinds of things he shouldn't. I see him in the carseat in the backseat of my Beetle where I currently have a cute purple stuffed bunny seatbelted. The bunny I got for Drayke for Easter last year after he had passed.

I go shopping and find a romper that is so cute with a moose and the words "Wild Thing" on it. Then I notice a little number logo that has a "28" on the shoulder. His birthdate. It is so perfect for the lil man I see in my minds eye. I fight the urge to buy it every time I walk into the store. I think he would fit perfectly in the 24 month size. It is only $6 but I fight the urge, knowing it would only be folded and added into his dresser with his other unworn clothes.

My mom told me something the other day she had told my sister. "What will happen to Lorri if Drayke doesn't make it?". My mother responded "She will die. And you have. Your body just hasn't caught up to your heart". She is right. I am just going thru the motions of living but I feel my soul, the core of my being, has been lost. It has been more than a year and a half since Drayke died and I feel as alone and desolate as the day he passed.

My sweet Little Dragon

My sweet little man, Drayke. Today you would have been two years old. I can see you toddling around the house getting into all kinds of mischief. I can see your sly little smile looking up at me with those amazing blue eyes, knowing I could never resist smiling back. You are the best thing to have ever happened to me. I love you.

2 years ago from Today

2 Years ago from today my little man was born. Even though he is not with us in body he is sure with us in spirit. I dreamt of him last night and woke up at 1 am just to realize it was a dream. Every moment of every day I wish he was still here with us but I do know that I will see him again. The day he was born changed us so much and even now still changes us from within. Happy Birthday my little man.

March for Babies Nashville 2010

Drayke's father and I went to the Nashville March for Babies yesterday, April 18th 2010. It was an absolutely gorgeous day. Warm sun & cool breezes. There were a lot of people there as well as huge teams. A far cry from the Lewisburg walk.

We ran into some old NICU friends, Mollie & Jerrica as well as their amazing children. I actually got to hold Daxton for a few moments.

It has been really hard, seeing all the little ones who were in the NICU with us. They are all turning two now. Dont get me wrong, I am beyond happy that they are thriving. But it is always a reminder of those who werent so fortunate. So many that I was personally touched by. So many that I cant remember all their names. I spent a good part of the day crying.

Afterwards was the annual Vanderbilt Children's Hospital Time for Remembering event. This is for the families who have had children die at the hospital. It was another round of crying non stop for an hour. After the presentation we all walked over the the hospital to plant impatiens and they gave us rosemary plants to take home with us.

Even though it was a day full of tears it was one of the best days I have had all year.

It is that time of year

Please click on the March for Babies link on the right to sponsor me.

Gosh, it's hard to believe it has been a year since I walked in my first March for Babies event. This is a cause that is very near & dear to my heart.

Please donate to this very worthy cause. Let's make what happend to Drayke a thing of the past .

It has been a year since he passed

This is the last picture that was taken of Drayke. We were saying our goodbyes. The hardest thing I have ever done in my life was walk out the door of his room. All I wanted to do was go running back and sweep him up in my arms and never to let go.

But sometimes we do have to let go of those we love to be able to survive.

I will see him again and hold him in my arms.

He was my life.

I will love him forever.

My sweet baby dragon.

My amazing lil man.

My son, Drayke.

Have a safe holiday

These are some pics Drayke grandma took while she visited him during Christmas last year. She was so proud of him and she loved his little sneakers. She just thinks they were the most adorable shoes ever.

Happy Halloween

Little man from last year waiting for the Great Pumpkin.

Nine months have passed

But I still think of my lil man from a year ago today. So awake with those gorgeous blue eyes.

Another big step today

I have some NICU moms on my FaceBook that I know either personally or thru those I do know. Tiffany had a son the day I was admitted into Centennial. He was born at 23 weeks and died nine days later due to Nec. She is now 28 weeks with another son and I have been keeping up with her worries about this pregnancy.

As you know I still have a lot of Drayke's things. A few items we sold to a second hand shop in Brentwood but it just never felt right. I have thought about listing some items on Marshall County Free Cycle but I really wanted Drayke's things to go to someone who would really understand where I was coming from in my thinking. Tiffany fits the bill perfectly. I let her know that I had a brand new Graco travel system and Fisher Price swing that she could have if she wanted them.

She and her parents came by today after church. It was a very emotional first meeting. I had been in Drayke's room crying, trying to get some items together for them when they arrived. She came in and we held onto each other for a few minutes and just started talking like we were old friends. We talked a lot about Drayke and our stay at Centennial. Her parents mentioned a few times that if I wasnt ready or if I have any remorse about letting these things go not to hesitate to let them know and they will bring them back. I told them not to worry, they are theirs now. I also added in my silly way that if I do happen to adopt a baby to keep things in good condition after Salem is done with them because I may need them then.

Anything can happen. I cant keep beating myself up convincing myself that I will never have another child. I want one. I am a good mama. I have a lot of love to give a child.

If you want to read up on Tiffany go to: http://bradntiff.blogspot.com/