Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Five years...

It is hard to believe that it has been five years since my little man was born. It's been a year since I last posted here. Life has been empty since he died. I just cant quite get back in to the regular swing of things. Work is going very good but everything else, not so much. I have almost been in denial that it is April already. I awoke at 4:30 this morning crying where all I could think was I missed his birthday two days ago. Now, I cant stop crying.

I have a minimal relationship with Drayke's father as he now lives in Indiana. I was engaged to a man for a year, he moved here in August & left without a word in January. I recently had surgery on my scalp to remove a spot of skin cancer. My diabetes is out of control. I have lost my creative side.

It feels like I am going thru the motions of living but I have no life. I have no true happiness, no true serenity in my heart. A huge part of me died on January 26th 2009. Try as I might, I will never be back to the person I was or that I was meant to be.


Anonymous said...

Please, get some help from a counselor. I hope your work has benefits or an employee assistance program. You have complicated grief, and believe it or not, you can get help. Hang in tHere, treasure your memories, and live the best life you can for your son. You did an amazing tHing through his life, and deserve more happiness in your own.

thethinwhtduke said...

i think about you and drayke from time to time. my heart still aches for you and him.

i hope there is someone you can talk to. and i know that things will never be the same for you, but i hope some of the pain and suffering can at least become more tolerable as time goes on.

know that you are thought of and loved.