Sunday, March 29, 2009

Sad day

I went onto my Facebook today where I am friends with several parents I know thru Ronald McDonald House. We all became a family while staying there.

This morning thru FB I discovered that one of the couples that shared the room next to mine lost their son today. He was almost 5 months old.

I read the post and all I could do was say "no" and cried.

I always worry about the other babies still at the hospital or recently released. Daxton, Payton, Kinsley, Landon, Corbin, JJ, ReAsia, Alanha and more. It is almost like a twisted drug for me, the need to know they are doing good. It is crushing when I hear when they aren't doing well or worse.

It only reinforces that I need to get my nursing degree so I can help, one way or another.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

I now have Drayke's ashes

I made the appointment this morning to meet up descedant services. I went to Marie's desk where I saw a simple white gift bag and I fell apart.

After I calmed down a bit she removed his little urn. The wood is a gorgeous deep red mahogany, about 5" x 3". She asked if I wanted to see the remains, mostly to let me know that they're not open in the box and the tag that was enclosed. The box is lined in a deep green velvet. I told Marie "there isn't hardly anything there". I could hold his entire cremains in the palm of my hand. About 2" across and 1" deep. Inside the bag I could see the tag that was matched up with the one they had on his ankle in the morgue to make sure that I do indeed have my son. I cried again due to knowing how my gorgeous growing fifteen plus pound boy has been reduced to something smaller than my phone.

I signed the paperwork and put his urn in his small diaper bag along with a newborn diaper to pad the bottom. It took everything I had in me to walk from the office over to the parking garage without having a complete breakdown. I didnt quite make it to the car. I bawled for about twenty minutes before I could start the car. I wrapped the diaper bag with the blanket Robert had made him for his journey home.

In May, just after I was released from the hospital, I had a tag made at Walmart. A big red heart with Drayke's name and date of birth. I had promised myself that I would never take it off until he came home. The only time I took it off I had an MRI. At the same time he crashed at the hospital. That was the one and only time it has been off of my neck.

Drayke is home now.

It will now stay with him in his urn because my heart will forever be with my son.

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Thinking about you

It is so hard to not think about you my dear little boy. I feel your pressence around me every day and feel your strength. Everyone says it gets easier and I know it does eventually but right now it does not feel like it does. You are in my thoughts day in and day out. When I watch Television it reminds me of you. When I go to the store I see something that I want to get for you but I know you are not here. I do not want to wash the shirt I wore when you left us. You are never forgotten and are always in my heart. Everyday I have to take a few moments of silence at my desk when I look at your pictures. I still cry at a moments notice.